When I got married 25 years ago, I had so many expectations (that then collided with reality). As my oldest son is about to get married I’ve been reflecting on much, including one of the verses surrounding my wedding to Ted: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. To this day, after making a lifelong covenant with my love, we are still learning and (imperfectly) putting to action what those verses say. I am going to put it a little out of verse order here as I like lists and breaking things down.

What love is/does do: 1)Patient 2)Kind 3)Always protects 4)Always trusts 5)Always hopes 6)Always perseveres 7)Rejoices with truth

What love is not/does not do: 1)Envy 2)Boast 3)Proud 4)Dishonor others 5)Self-seeking 6)Easily angered 7)Delight in evil

And just when you think the above is hard (anyone else feel like they need a good nap before putting all this into action?), Paul adds to God’s description of love this: Love keeps no records of wrongs (me to God when this one gets hard: but You know I love lists!) Paul then keeps the best for the last in verse 8: Love never fails.

Let me be very clear: I am not condemning anyone who has gotten a divorce or is considering it. Every one of us falls short based on Romans 3:23. What I am saying is that we (myself included) have to be careful about flipping the above script and doing what love isn’t (self-seeking, etc.) vs. what it is (kind, etc).

What if you are in a hopeless marriage? What if you are doing all the above pretty well and your spouse isn’t doing any of it? I would personally recommend setting some healthy boundaries and also going (without your spouse if they are not willing to do the work) to a Christ-following Christian counselor who will get in the trenches with you and speak God’s truth over you. Not tell you what to do, but help you discern what to do.

If we seek God we will find God if we seek Him with all our heart ((Jeremiah 29:13). Yes, God hates divorce and it breaks His heart, but He also understands there are certain situations where it can provide healing (especially when abuse, affairs, abandonment are part of the equation). When the line is more grey such as when dealing with addictions, emotional abandonment, or many other hard scenarios, there is no easy answer, but God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will not forsake you and will guide you if you seek Them/keep God first.

I have heard it said that “marriage is like having your spouse hold up a mirror to yourself”. The mirror reflects your true self, including your flaws, insecurities, and unresolved issues. I so find that to be true, and continue to work through that. Marriage is work, but it’s work worth showing up for, and the fruit over time it can produce is absolutely beautiful!